totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
