I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
