remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
