Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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