I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
