Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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