you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
