The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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