You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm too high and old for this...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
