So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I bet he comes in French.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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