so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
