mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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