I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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