well I can't set my house on fire every night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
