My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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