If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
