when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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