1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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