I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
