She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
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