Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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