the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
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