mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
