oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
