i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
