Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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