our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
