I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
