This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Randomize
