Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
