hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
