We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
