I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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