My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
