Will you blow on my dice?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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