I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
