i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
