I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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