my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
