mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
