2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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