just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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