She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
