I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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