i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
