i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
