He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
