he referred to my room as the tit cave...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
