i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
