How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
