Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
