you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
