if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
