I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think I sprained my soul last night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
